I just spent near two days with some awesome people, and pretty much had my mind blown away. Showed up on friday not very happy and worn out by life, left feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Up until friday I almost was ready to let Easter pass me right by. A little talking/video/ and prayer gave me a huge wake up call. I finally felt the presence of God...after what has felt like forever. I was so blown away I didn't notice myself shaking until my friend grasped my hand and cuddled up closer. Being in the presence of God is so overwhelming and crazy amazing to me...I just get rendered speechless.
One of the things this video we watched talked about, was how we have changed the way Church is supposed to be. How its become more of this ritual and habit. How it needs to change. He ended the video with saying how God has already set these things (true worship and discipleship) in our hearts as a natural part of being a follower, but we have to let Him move and use that. We way to often decide everything and anything different is to scary for us to touch. We don't want to be the ones that has to make the change. We kind of want to wait around until it becomes mainstream. Isn't that obviously not what we are supposed to do? The question is where do we go from here...how do we start making changes in our Churches to be more of what God planned it to be?

The more you pursue Christ, the less you will find yourself desiring things of the world, all the things you found important become obsolete and all you'll want is to see His glory arise. I find my heart less and less caring about stuff like pretty things, and impressing others. I want Christ to be my every waking thought.
I can't explain how God has been working this week. I spent all week struggling to spend time with Him and be sincere, nearly falling back into old habits, and He suddenly sat me down and drew me back to where I should be. I know things get tough and tougher but that's when I believe the most amazing things happen. Even though I don't always act like I believe that. But God makes a promise to us...that He will never abandon us. Not only does He say that in the Bible, but He shows it to us in the Bible and in life.
Today I sat in tears on the ledge of my window, legs dangling out, looking about in awe of everything in front of my eyes. It's all unfathomable. So mysterious and hard to understand. But at the same time it's not hard to understand.
The only thing that remains in this life is HIM..

Hospital happenings..

I have to admit when I came home and had a ton of messages of people asking me how my hospital trip went, I wanted to cry and not talk to anyone. It has been a long three days. But it didn't take me long to realise every one of them mentioned how much they have been praying for me. I am beyond blessed. Some people said they had been praying for me all day.
So first off my doctor believes my airway is fine. Don't need surgery or medicine or anything. Praise. Jesus. There are muscular/skeletal problems happening. He said they have been caused by all the surgery's etc that happened as a kid and it put the muscle strength of my lungs out or whack. They said, they think, that I use my one lung more "forcefully" than the other and created my own breathing patterns.
As for scar tissue, because scar tissue doesn't grow, it tensed up the muscles around it as they were growing. Basically I'm lopsided, and one of my shoulder blades sticks out further than the other. Post-battle wounds aha. They think all that is the cause of the pain that makes me out of breath/feeling like passing outness. I'm still unsure however of the lungs themselves...I think I might ask to have the apt with the lung specialist re-scheduled. Don't know.
Anyways, he would like me to seek out physical therapy such as pilates, massage therapy, acupuncture...I also need to see a breathing specialist. Who is basically going to re-teach me how to breath correctly.
Thanks again for all you who prayed and prayed for me. I wish I could give you all super long hugs. At once.
John 16:33
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation but take heart; I have overcome the world."

Matthew 28:18-20

Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

I am not even sure how to begin this. Like usual it is midnight...this is when most of my deep Jesus time seems to happen. I am listening to Phil Wikham and reflecting on so much...and this is where the speechlessness comes in. I returned home from the Dominican Republic almost two weeks ago and I can't even believe it already has been that long. Everything that happened there is still so fresh in my mind. What can I say accept...I want to go back? But apparently that's not Gods plan for me right now...its a hard but beautiful truth that Gods plans are far greater than our own desires. Even if they aren't bad desires. When I read that verse from Matthew it made tears come to my eyes as I instantly thought of the Dominican...all the amazing brothers and sisters in Christ, the children running around barefoot, the teenagers going through the same things I do, the voodoo, and people who don't know the meaning of "there is money burning a hole in my pocket". I can't get their eyes out of my head. To be honest I never want them out of my head either. I never want to forget the things that I saw there or forget the things I've learned.
Never have I seen so much love. Love from the people on my team and from all the people who live there. Love passed through from person to person like fire. From children who don't even speak English they would hold my hand and bury their faces on me, give me things...mostly notes from the girls... play catch with me for half an hour, and then some. Love can be communicated through so much more than just saying "I love you".

I know that Gods love is still with them even though I'm not...but my heart still cries out to be with them in body. The injustice there is horrifying and frustrating. But as people reminded me it should be frustrating and it should get to our hearts. It bothers me that so few Christians are truly aware of all that goes on outside of their country. We sit in our middle-class American homes, get WAY to upset over broken Xboxes and slow Internet, stick our leftovers from that 5-star restaurant in the microwave, and seem to believe if we have the newest pair of Nike shoes we are going to be "cool". I am guilty of being ignorant and unthoughtful. I am guilty of thinking enough wasn't enough. But I find myself now being guilty of wanting to throw everything I own out the window, live in a tent in my backyard, and live off a dollar a day and see how I manage. I'm not saying having nice things is bad--of course it is a blessing...but how much of that "stuff" we have can we do without? The people I met may not have been the happiest about the poverty-but the certainly weren't upset every minute. I met some of the most legitimate Christians...they have such joy and strong trust in Gods faithfulness. And most of them don't even know what it is like to be half as privileged as I have been.

All in all I've never felt anything so spiritually powerful. I don't think I'll ever be completely at ease and I don't think I'll ever stop wanting to go back.




This last one is a picture of the compound at sunset. The church in construction is in the center with the school to the right.

As it is now nearly 2 in the morning and this is my finals week (I am such an idiot) this is all I am going to post on the Dominican Republic. It helped me get my thoughts on track a bit...even though I'm most of the things that happened will remain unspoken.
God bless.

The funny thing about testimonials.

A friend of my just posted her testimony, and I somehow feel it means its time for me to write out mine. The thing about testimonials...they have a "beginning" and an "end" when told to someone...but I feel like our testimonies don't have an end. Our trials continue even after that "big turning point" in our lives. But still :) Testimonies are good things! So here is mine...
Looking back now I can connect so many things to how the whole ordeal began. But then it was all mush and confusion just doing what I did, and not understanding why. So starting off when I was super young...like 4 years young. I live in a Christian family, though we have our days, and grew up in the church. So I was always around the stories of the Bible, but to me it was just stories. My parents took me into the hospital for very loud breathing and wheezing during sleep, running around, and even just doing nothing. The hospital figured it was asthma. So they gave me this cool big inhaler and sent me on my way. It didn't take long for my parents to notice the inhaler was doing no good, so they took me back. So just jumping around a whole bunch of different kinds of procedures and jazz, I ended up getting a tracheotomy when I was 4. In the next five years of my life I was almost never home. My family was split apart because my hospital was (is) in Philadelphia. I spent a whole summer in the hospital once...but I remember being so joyful as a kid, I never knew what was really going on. Why I was there. And when I "died" I didn't even understand what the feeling of fear meant. That's right. I died :) For like..two and half seconds...more or less. I remember the day...I remember the feeling, the way my mother screamed. They way I slid down the hall on my super cool socks, trying to find my mom because I couldn't breathe...and still finding a smile because I could slid a couple inches on the floor. I also remember waking up after being pumped with oxygen, feeling all the crazy tubes around me and in me...all the people swarming around me. Anyways, stuff like this continued until I was 9. In that time I had 25 major surgeries. Always sick. But always so loved and surrounded by prayer from friends and family. Apparently I was a real fighter, I would kick the doctors in the face! But in my own mind I can't remember being truly afraid-I guess partly because I was so little right? :P I just remember wanting to be a child...once I was on the playground and I remember my mother spinning me around and my eyes just wondering up into the sky thinking "life is so beautiful". But the "playground" was just two feet outside of the hospital. It is nothing but Gods hand that kept my spirit so happy that the nurses would argue about who got to take day/night shifts in my room.
After my trach was removed, I was later sent home (happiest day EVER!) and got yelled at for running across the lawn because my father was afraid I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to feel free. I was finally free. No more hospitals and people picking and prodding at me. No more being alone for days miles way from my family and the people I knew. So I ran and just let my feelings free. Then promptly got yelled at...I don't blame my father, I know he was just trying to keep me safe, but I remember all the joy of that moment drain from my body.
When I came home everything changed. My family tried to become the white picket fence. I think everyone just wanted so badly to forget everything that happened. Especially my mother. She went through so much during all that crap...but my mother is more stubborn than me. She kept going on but a lot of stress started to come out of her. Her and I would get in arguments all the time...we never got along. I was the fathers kid. After all that time I spent with my mother in the hospitals, I think I was just totally deprived of seeing my dad. I wanted to be my brother. My dad always spent so much time with my brother. They always looked happy doing "guy stuff". I started to try to get more involved in the "guy stuff" and I started turning into a tomboy. I wanted so badly to be the little thing my dad was proud of. My dad would call me nicknames like "string bean", "split pea", "skinny minny", "pippy long stocking" etc...most of the names he gave me refereed to how skinny I was. I hated drinking and eating when I was little...and then I was active at every chance I got. So I was pretty darn skinny and small. When I hit adolescence and noticed I was no longer the skinny little daddies girl... I freaked. I remember the first day I noticed my hips where bigger-I looked into the mirror and hated what I saw. I couldn't grow up. That couldn't happen. Of course I didn't really think that in so many words...but I know now. I immediately cut back on what I was eating-and saw fast results...so I was pleased. After that not much happened until the day I cut myself for the first time. I was 12. Nothing was particularly wrong, I wasn't upset. I had seen someone elses cuts and was curious. Took a razor to my hips. Honestly, I liked it. I instantly told my sister, not really thinking it was a bad thing. She told me if I did it again she would tell our parents. So I started to do it in secret. Deep scratches mostly. I avoided my arms because I knew my sister would see it. I had no idea what I was doing. My sister found out, told my parents, and they sent me to a councilor. A very...very old man. At least to a 12 year old. Scariest dude ever. I got worse. I wouldn't tell him anything. He scared the living daylights out of me...so one day on the way home I cried to my mother begging her not to take me back. So after that she gave up on taking me to the councilor.

Once I hit 13 the eating disorder controlled my life. I began to look at websites that supported pro-anorexia, looking for tips on how to loose weight. I spent hours on those websites. I weighed around 90lbs. Slowly I just became more sick in my mind, thin wasn't thin enough, I had to be perfect. Perfect. Just like my sister, with the perfect grades, never got in trouble, always the good girl. I became so depressed and sunk into my problems. I wouldn't tell anyone-no I was happy and awesome on the outside. Everyone loved the sweet little innocent trisha. I just had to find a way to stay that way...and in my own mind I thought I had. I would spend hours walking around my room at night, in attempts to burn off anything I couldn't manage to throw up. I passed out on the floor in my room several times because of dehydration. I felt like I was dying inside...I felt like my soul was going to leave my body and leave my heart behind. But I made sure never to let myself fall infront of others. No matter how dizzy or ill I felt...just smile, act happy, and eat if I had to to make others believe I was O.K.
At a Christian festival, I gave in and told one of my friends about what was going on. She wasn't surprised...but gave me a huge hug and all the love in the world. I am not sure where I would be if God didn't put her in my life when He did. Couple months later I gave in and told my mother that I had been starving, and purging everything I ate. She said she suspected it...but she cried still. I was around 84lbs at the time.

I went to the hospital and they told me if I could not gain 2lbs I would be sent away. My life felt like it was going to fall apart. But I actually had lied about my weight...I drank loads of water the morning I went, stuffed my pockets, my shoes, my sweater, wore heavy earings, anything I could get my hands on. Even though I had to take off my shoes, I somehow managed to make my weight at 90lbs. Anyways, I couldn't gain 2lbs. It is a horrifying message to give to someone with an eating disorder. I went home shaken and scared...the last thing I wanted was to be sent away. Again. It would be like living my childhood over again-but it be harder because I would remember everything. So I was determined to put on 2lbs-even if it was fake. During this I felt God nagging at my heart...I didn't know it was God. It was something inside telling me...gosh I want what my friends have. Why are they so happy? Why does God make them so happy? Why is my youth pastor so in love with this God? I wanted to understand God...but I loved my problems more. They where what I knew. I've always had problems...some that i can't escape, and some that I have, but none the less they where all I really knew. Problems. It is terrible...but it was almost safe in a way to me. I loved being so thin. I didn't want to give it up.
From there God wiggled His way into my heart...He made my desire for Him so strong. I was constantly thinking God I want to love you...and I kinda do...but I don't want to give this up. But when I could see the glow in the people at my youth group...I knew that there MUST be something more amazing out there than what I thought I loved. And all of that came straight from God. I put on the 2lbs. For real. And I was not sent a way. But they gave me a new councilor and a nutritionist who also taught me yoga. I was incredibly sceptical of my new councilor because of the terrible experience I had at first. It took half of the year for me to open up. But more than anything the friends that God put into my life pulled me out. They never shoved food down my throat or took away my knifes, but they always made themselves available to me to run to. And every time I did they showed me God and His love. They will never know how much I love them.
Somewhere in the middle of 2010, my relationship with God really started. He made himself known to me. He made His love a clear picture...right in front of my face. I would pray every day, God show me you. Show me fire. Show me what it means to be with You. I started noticing myself pouring love onto people, overflowing with the love God gave me. My desires to cut and push away food where still lingering...but the closer I got to God the harder it was for me to keep all that crap important in my life. So that stuff had to go. To this day...yes I still struggle. An yes God is ALWAYS there. Even when I feel like I am abandoned. The outcome of every trial I have been through this year has drawn me closer to God, and God proves to me timelessly again and again how much I need Him. It was like feeling Gods hands dig deep into that disgusting crap and sin and somehow finding my hand...locking His fingers between mine...and saying hold on. I am getting you out of this. You don't have to be here anymore. Just say you want to leave and I will take you out. I love you.
As I said before I feel like my testimony..isn't over. There are so many trials and adventures and good things to come! So how can I sum up all of Gods great works in my life into one blog post?...even though this is like massive...hehe. Praise be to God because I no longer have to fall into that pit of sin. That endless cycles of self harm has been broken. God is always there. There is always hope. There is always that one light in the darkest darkness. So never give up...never loose heart.


Lets finish of this one humongo post with a verse shall we?

John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world" (emphasis added)

Yey for midnight blog posts!

Wow. God is good. He is so good. I've been praying and praying God show me what is wrong why do I feel like I have strayed from being present with you? Why do I feel like I lost some connection? This afternoon I was spending time with a friend, practicing music and such happy things. When someone sent me a message on tumblr telling me they needed help. I later ended up flipping through my bible trying to find some passages...well thats when I saw this simple, but beautiful, passage in Zephaniah 3:16-17 "...Do not fear, O zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you , he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

In the two seconds that my eyes grazed over it It felt like God got this message to me. "He will quiet you with his love" I think this is exactly what I have been missing. Being on fire for God doesn't always have to mean running around, always feeling this incredible happiness and excitement. Can't being "on fire" simply mean being still and connected to God? Before I can help anyone else I need to know my own relationship with God is in the right. I just need to listen and be quiet sometimes. I can feel these tears of relief just start to swell up. Not only is being still something I know I need...but I hate being disconnected with God. And worst is I know disconection comes from my own foolishness, then I have to let God teach me what I did wrong. But I guess it really isn't that bad because...I need to learn. I love it when God teaches me things even though the getting-there hurts. This is how I grow.
Much love in the one and only Christ!

There are 22 days until I and a bunch of God loving people set out on a missions trip to the Dominican Republic! Prayers appreciated muchly! We had a "meeting" this past saturday which also happened to be the same day of a local festival. During the meeting my heart was so distracted...but I hardly even noticed that my heart wasn't connecting to my mind. Then someone challenged me to speak up on why I felt led to take this trip. I really do want to take this missions trip! I've been dieing to just go help these people for what seems like forever. But when someone actually asked me that question for the first time my mind drew a blank. Why am I on this trip? Is it because I just want to, or because God is compelling me to go? I am trying to search my heart, but when I search all I find is "I've just wanted to go for so long". Am I lacking Gods guidance or is THIS His guidance? Putting the passion in my heart in the first place?
During the meeting my mother was out working during the festival, and later went to the saturday church service because she had to work again on sunday. I feel like it is not fair for her to have to give up fellowship for a job. I feel like it is not fair that she is out working during a festival while I prepare to fly to a third world country. I hardly ever see my mother now, and when she is off sundays I usually spend the afternoon with friends in town. I suddenly feel like I am missing out on a lot of family time. But I wait all week to be with my spiritual family. But then again sundays are the only days my family is together. I feel torn almost. My personal spiritual restoration comes from spending time with the Church, with my friends, with the people I know love God just as much as I do. And let me admit that my family has been struggling. Just like all families do. It doesn't make us a "bad" family. But am I helping by running away whenever I get the chance? I just want to spend as much time as I can in the Church. It is so important to me...so is my family. Every day I spend doing school work and I usually am left alone at home. (Gasp! putting in personal info I know. Good thing I don't have a lot of people who read my blog) It's not a bad thing but it makes me hate my own home. It feels like a prison sometimes. I guess thats another reason why days like Sunday are such a big deal to me. God is my life. The Church (aka body of Christ) is my life. Without God my life would be a living hell on so many levels. I need to watch myself-make sure my Sundays aren't just an escape but a day dedicated to the Lord. I'm not over reacting am I? Hope not. I just want to make sure I am growing through all this.
Any prayers for the DR team and I are so welcome. I've been warned about the evils there, but I want to be prepared for the good things too. So that my heart is fully there in the momment. Not wondering or just to stunned to soak it in.
Night all...God is good huh? Praise God I even have this oppertunity...by His grace alone I'm so blessed.